Living with depression is not easy generally but as a teenager, it feels almost impossible. It takes a lot to get to the point of suicide but it also takes a lot to stop yourself from doing it but all you want just for a moment is not to feel anything. I never felt real love from anyone. I felt like I was never enough or too much. I was never going to be loved unconditionally. I hated myself and I had no one to tell me I am enough, I am loved and I will live a good life. I felt alone so I isolated myself. I went through a lot in my childhood and teenage years that most adults probably haven’t been through.
The last time I tried to commit suicide I was 16 and I was almost successful, I ended up in ICU on a 16-hour drip. I was judged by nurses and people closest to me. I heard things like I am looking for attention or if I try again I must get it right. At the moment I decided to end it, it felt like the only way to make the sadness and pain stop. Its almost as if you need to end it since you can’t escape it. People had their assumptions as to why I did it, but the truth is I was going through so much emotionally that I felt okay with taking my life. That, of course, was not the first time of multiple times, it was the first time I almost got it right and the last time I tried.
The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 12 years old. We were going through a really bad time as a family and I was not having the best time at school. I had found a note my mom had written and it was a suicide note, it was almost as if my heart stopped beating at the thought of losing my mom. My “friends” would say that they don’t want to be friends with me, I was being bullied at school because of being skinny and not pretty enough. I was sitting in class one day and I got called to the office, I was told my mom was in hospital as she tried to commit suicide. Nothing hurt more, I couldn’t handle everything I was feeling and I tried to end my life.
At 19 I realized that I am not “normal“, something was wrong with me emotionally and mentally. I could no longer handle the thoughts of suicide, depression, and anxiety. I booked myself into a Psychiatric hospital where I didn’t last long, I am not good with groups of people and sharing what hurts me most. I did see a psychiatrist and psychologist where I was diagnosed with a mood disorder which explained a lot. So many triggers from my childhood and just life caused me to be emotionally unstable and unable to control how I feel. I would get these manic episodes where the depression and anxiety creep in and consume my mental state. I dissociate, I isolate myself, I was angry all the time, I cried, I hurt myself, I told myself that I am not worth love or good enough for anyone to care. I hated myself everything that made me me. I didn’t love myself, I tried to be what everyone wants. I became my own enemy. All I wanted was a hug or someone to love me when I could not even love myself.
I am 21 now I have a mood disorder and its okay. I can be okay now and even when I am not okay it’s okay. I am allowed to break but not stay broken.
I am allowed to feel the pain but not let it consume me. I fought a hard and painful internal battle. Therapy is 100% okay and most times needed. Not everyone will love me or understand me and its okay. I am learning to love myself and my entire self all the bad, painful and good. I only keep people close to me who feel like sunshine on days I am in darkness.
Loving yourself when you have hated yourself for the longest time ever is probably the hardest thing I accomplish daily and not allowing people to determine how I feel or letting their negativity impact is something I have learned to do. I remind myself daily I am enough and I got this.
Love, Tyrelle Wood
My Bio: I’m Tyrelle Wood , a 21 year old trying to create awareness on mental health and just trying to live a good life in this overwhelming world. I love photography , beauty and art. I travel often and I am currently writing a memoir. I am always working hard on my brand and starting my business.
My blog: www.thechroniclesofbella.com