Today we have Sarah Cabeza from the USA, she shares her journey and experience in losing a baby.
Here is my story..
My husband and I weren’t planning on having any more kids. We had three beautiful kids. One son and two daughters. But God had other plans. Last March I became sick. When I saw our family doctor, she told me that I had a mild case of the Romaine Lettuce E-coli. She came to this conclusion just off of what I told her. Our doctor didn’t run any tests. My doctor prescribed lot of rest (I tried not to laugh at this since I had three very active kids at home) and a bland diet.
A month later, and I was still feeling poorly. Some symptoms went away but not all. I called the doctor’s office to see what they thought I should do. They told me to go to the Emergency Room. My husband met me there, I had to give him our girls. The ER doctor ran tests and the end results were that I was thirteen weeks pregnant with twins!
This was a huge shock! My husband and I were both speechless. The speechless then turned into panic. Just being pregnant again let alone twins, everything was too small. We weren’t planning to have any more, so we had gotten rid of everything but the crib and changing table. They were still being used.
After we adjusted to the fact we were pregnant with twins we started focusing on things we needed for our new additions. My husband and I started discussing baby names. We had two boy names and two girl names picked out so our babies had a name when we learned what we were having. We had done this with our other kids. On July 10th we learned that Baby A was a girl, Emilia Lynne and Baby B was a boy, Logan James. We were so excited to be having one of each! Our oldest was especially thrilled to finally be getting a brother. We also learned that day that our little boy, Logan was half the size he should have been. Half the size his twin sister was. The doctors didn’t know why. there was nothing in our family history, there was nothing obvious in the ultrasound. We immediately started scheduling and ordering test that might help us discover what could be the cause. We also scheduled more ultrasounds.
I had a special video I had planned to reveal the genders to our family and friends. The video was that I had a gift bag for each baby with a banner inside that said “It’s a Girl” or “It’s a Boy”. My two daughters opened the bag for Baby A and my son opened the bag for Baby B. I almost cancelled this video with our concerns for Logan (Baby B). But, I decided we needed to do the video for us, for our kids, for the twins. No matter what Logan (Baby B) was a part of our family. I cried so much that day, especially when my son opened the gift bag to reveal he was getting a brother. He screamed so much with excitement. He had so many plans for the two of them. This day was the start of the worst summer of my life.
About a week later I had a genetic test done. A giant needle, about 7 inches, was stuck into my belly and into Logan’s sack. They needed to get a sample of the fluids that surrounded him. The genetic test would tell us if he had any extra or missing chromosomes. the results took about two weeks to get. We learned that Logan had Down Syndrome. Having a child with Down Syndrome was going to be a challenge but was something we were willing to take on.
A week later we had an Echo Ultrasound done. An Echo Ultrasound is when they examine the heart more closely. They checked every area of the heart. A time both babies had perfect hearts that were beating strongly. However, Logan (Baby B) was still small, half of what he should be.
A week later we had a regular ultrasound. Our doctor told us that because Baby B (she never used his name we had picked out) was so small, he wasn’t getting what he needed to grow big and strong like his sister. Most likely he wouldn’t survive the pregnancy but if he did he would have a lot of other healthy issues and would only live a short time. We had a decision to make. We could continue and hope for the best, or we could take matters into our own hands and stop his pregnancy. But that could risk his sister. Our doctor wanted us to take time to think, plus we had another test on our schedule. Now, I don’t want anyone to get upset by the options our doctor gave us. Not every parent has the ability to handle a child with health issues. Our doctor was just trying to let us know what our options were.
Our next test was a Fetal Therapy Ultrasound. This ultrasound was with a specialist, and they examine the baby more in depth from head to toe and the surrounding areas. This appointment was the worst. This doctor, however, I liked the most. He was more personable but at the same time it made it harder. When we met with him to discuss the results the first thing he did was ask if the babies had names. After that he used their names instead of referring to them as Baby A or Baby B.
The results of the Fetal Therapy Ultrasound were that Logan was not doing well. His heart had slowed down, and he was still so small. The Doctor gave him two weeks at most. They did discover why he was so small. The umbilical cord was reversed. What was supposed to give him what he needed was actually taking away what he needed. But the hospital wanted to include us in a program they were given a grand for. They recorded Logan’s heart beat onto a small device that could then be put in a bear or other stuffed animal. As part of the grant they could provide us with a bear, or we could get a gift card to Build-A-Bear to pick out our own. We did the gift card, so we could take our kids and pick out a bear as a family.
A week later we had a regular ultrasound. This might sound horrible but going into this appointment I hoped Logan would have passed. I was tired and an emotional wreck. I cried at every appointment, with every person I talked to about my pregnancy. I would tear up when a stranger would ask what I was having and how excited I was. Having a baby is supposed to be a joyous time but this one was full of heartache and I felt like my body was failing me. Not doing what it should. Now, I know that this pregnancy wasn’t all heartache. We still had a healthy little girl on the way. I consider myself lucky because I still got one beautiful baby at the end of this pregnancy. At the ultrasound, they were unable to find Logan’s heartbeat. He had passed.
I always thought that if I lost a child that I could focus on my other little ones, and they would help me cope with our loss. To some extent they did but the week that followed that ultrasound any time I was at home I couldn’t stop crying. If I went to the store I could keep the tears away but the moment I returned home the tears came again. I finally decided that I needed help and I needed to get away for a while. So, I packed up my kids and went to my parents house. they could help with my kids while I did the grieving I needed to do. The Doctors did offer counselling for anyone in the family that might need it.
I also thought that the rest of my pregnancy wouldn’t be as stressful. But now I was afraid that something would happen to our little Emilia. With Logan’s passing, my body could realize he was gone and reject them both. Causing me to go into labour early. To give you a time frame, we lost Logan at twenty-five weeks. The doctors wanted me to make it to thirty-seven weeks.
This was the worst summer of my life. I cried so much that my oldest daughter, she was three, started asking me almost daily if I was happy. I’ve talked about my experience but this experience wasn’t just hard for me and my husband. We did our best to keep our son and closest family in the loop on everything. Our son really took Logan’s passing hard. He didn’t understand why this was happening. He held out hope till the very end that his brother would make it. My son was seven. I think having the Build- a- Bear has helped him the most. It allows him (all of us) to stay connected to Logan in a healthy way.
We did make it to thirty-seven weeks. I was induced and Emilia was perfect! She had jaundice but all my kids did. What I wasn’t expecting was having to make arrangements for Logan after giving birth. Because I was over twenty weeks when Logan passed the hospital couldn’t make the arrangements. The funeral home we went through really made the whole process easy or at least as easy as it can be.
My baby Emilia is now six months old. I love her so much! But every time I buy her something I think of how I should be buying one for Logan too. I think that he should be here! Holidays are so hard. When I buy clothes or see little boy clothes, I think how cute he would have looked in it. I don’t know if that will ever go away but I do know the worst is behind me.
And I’ve learned over the last few months to not be afraid to talk about it. you never know who has gone through something similar. People you might know could understand and be able to help.
Thank you for letting me share my experience,